I realize that I have absolutely no audience, but that’s probably for the best. The last thing I really feel like doing is writing, but I think I just need to get everything out. It’s either that or going back to hiding under my blanket, crying my eyes out while wishing he’d realize how much I love him and text me telling me he wants the same things as me.
As this year comes to a close, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I could have done things differently or if I could have. This first part of the year helped me to define who I am as a person and what I want both out of life and a relationship. I spent this time strengthening myself, both emotionally and physically, along with my values. I know that with hard work and dedication, I can and will make it and be successful. As far as relationships go, I know that I want the fairy tale…the mushy gushy, makes other people puke, romance. I know it’s obtainable. I’ve seen it before in other couples, and that’s what I want.
In June of this year, I met the greatest guy ever. He was just out of a relationship, and I had just ended my uber short stint with crazy, psycho guy, so I wasn’t really looking to rush into anything, but low and behold, we clicked. There was just something about him that touched my heart, and I knew sorta early on that he was the one for me. We were so cute together in the beginning. Maybe it was the newness, I don’t know, but we seemed to be perfect for each other. Did we argue? Yep, but who doesn’t when they’re getting to know someone?
Throughout the past almost 6 months, we’ve had so many ups and downs. There’s no point in listing them. Him and I know what they are, and that’s all that matters. We’re both to blame for the down moments; we’ve both done things to hurt each other. With everything that has happened between us though, my love for him has never wavered even though I know I have said some awful things. For the things I’ve said and done, I am sorry.
Last night, I felt that he was lying to me. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t, but it doesn’t matter. I removed him from everything after I gave him ample time to respond to me, but instead, I was ignored. Like him, I hate being ignored, but it is what it is. I know I act like a crazy girl sometimes, but with the things that we’ve both put each other through, we should be clinging to each other and not trying to drive the other crazy.
I don’t think he knows what he wants. I know that he’s scared of being hurt, and honestly, I am, too. My head has been swimming all day with thoughts about everything, and there is only one thing I am certain of at this point in time, and that is that I love him with all my heart, and he is my one. I don’t know what’ll happen from this point on, but I do know how I feel about him and hope he feels the same…and moreso, if he does, I hope he shows me that he does.
rachelaide
